come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
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Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
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I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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