It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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