What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
