Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
