**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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