Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I have fence marks all over my body
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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