So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
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My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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