Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
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Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
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You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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