You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
