i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
