My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
