i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
