My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
