How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I need to calm my uterus...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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