youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
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i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
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And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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