we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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