Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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