I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
