i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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