ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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