You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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