Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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