I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
