Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
