We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
