Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
