i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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