Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
