John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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