I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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