I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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