I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
