Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
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i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
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This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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