I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Someone shit on the floor
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
