Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
