You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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