i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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