I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
