Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I checked into jail on foursquare
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I have already put on my inside pants.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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