So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
