thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
