i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
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On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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