I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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