frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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