who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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