question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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