You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
