Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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