My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
