he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
God, I missed his penis.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
