bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
time to smoke my breakfast
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
