Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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