I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
