he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
