dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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