I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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